For years I've straddled the fence. Always going back and forth between who I thought I was and yet constantly being pulled to what God called me to be. My life was in a tug of war between the world and His word. But I thought that if I really surrendered to His call I'd miss out. If I stopped having sex I'd lose the guy, if I couldn't be around and do certain things I'd lose friends. So I'd do me sometimes and when I needed help I went to God!
I never understood why during my roughest times when I felt lost in the world people would call me blessed, call me a woman of God...me? I never felt like that. I didn't know it was God's calling! I didn't know that when God calls you IT IS! No matter how many times you go back, turn up, backslide or dive in He's still there! This life that I tried to make for myself.. Gone! Home...Gone! The marriage that I had that I knew He wasn't in...Gone! The job I wanted because I thought it would get me to His promise quicker...Gone! God still said "I'm going to bless you and show you who you are"!
All the years of back and forth and ups and downs, bad attitudes, stubbornness, mistakes, mishaps and not listening to anybody, God is finally taking over! I finally realized that I can't do it! He took away every possible way that I could make things happen without Him, away, now He's working! I didn't know He was going to humble me in the ways that He has or break me in the ways that He has but He constantly reassures me. I realize what my children's grandmother told me years ago that obedience is better than sacrifice. So I can understand (sometimes) why things are happening the way that they are, all at once. It's all apart of the process! I didn't know that the process started during those lost years and how they are a prerequisite of how He's going to bless me now!
I knew it would be hard for people to accept that the same person that used to do..be into...dress like...talk like...is now talking about God. It was hard for me to accept, but I can not continue to hide the work that God was and is doing in my life because of my past. I know now that everything was for His glory.