Obsessed

I can honestly say that I love hard, but later in life, that resulted in me becoming obsessed with someone. A man captured my heart and soul. I loved him deeply. There wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for him. He spoke the request, I did my best to fulfill it. If he wanted me to murder someone and I knew I could get away with it, I will admit I probably would have done it. If there was something I couldn’t do, I would feel like I had failed him. I woke up thinking about him. I thought about him during the day and went to bed with him on my mind. When he called, I dropped everything to answer and did my best to not miss his calls. He would go days without talking to me-I would literally go crazy. I took care of my children, but once I did, I would drop into depression. I would cry uncontrollably. Once he popped up, the fact that he may have been cheating would move to the back of mind. All I wanted to do was be in his arms. I was his puppet and when he would pull strings, I would move the way he wanted. I was his classy queen during the day and his personal porn star at night-not realizing he had other stars. My obsession with him caused me to look like a fool, but I didn’t care. All I craved was him.

When he called out my flaws, I would do all I could to change. I was afraid of disappointing him. I desired to be the apple of his eye. The obsession I had with him caused me to view reality blindly. I saw lies as truth. When he got caught doing wrong, my obsession with him convinced me to simply love him harder-I didn’t skip a beat in doing so. I treated him like a God not realizing that all that I gave was never good enough for him. The loyalty and respect I gave him was never returned. Even when I felt like the love was returned, it was all a lie. I knew and felt God, but I pursued what my flesh wanted, not knowing I was sleeping with the enemy. Some women are ashamed to admit that they played a part in breaking their own hearts, I am not. As a result of my obsession with this man, I broke my own heart. Not one time but over and over again-until I was completely broken.

Loving someone is quite natural, but being obsessed with someone, anyone, is unnatural. Being obsessed will cause you to think that being mistreated and neglected is perfectly okay. It will cause you to pull away from God and cling to everything or everyone that adds nothing to your life. You will become confused, frustrated and on some days, you will not even be able to identify the real you. All you will want is that person. You will crave their attention, their touch. Some have children just so they can have a permanent attachment to that person. How dare any of us bring an innocent child into the world because of obsessions we fail to control? If you become obsessed with the wrong person, the devil will take that opportunity and pull you away from great things and people, then drop you in a pit of distress.

I battled with obsession and have been delivered, now I want to encourage someone else! God will give you all the signs to show you that a person is not good for you, but obsession will cause you to ignore every one of them. But God loves us so much that He will do whatever He can to get our attention. If that means causing that person to keep hurting us over and over again until we can’t take it anymore, then that is what He will do.

Once you are left broken into pieces by an obsession you failed to control, that person that you allowed to cause you pain will not be there, but God will! All you have to do is cry out to Him and ask for forgiveness. God will come, lift you up with His love and put you back together again. Becoming obsessed with God is okay because He is right for you, He won’t push you into doing foolish things; instead, He pushes you to do all that is right, all that comes from Him is good. If you choose to become obsessed with someone, please let it be God.

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