Shame On You
"Your Body is a Temple" to me that meant that my perky DDD breasts and my slim waist was something that any man in his right mind would value. I thought it was what made me worthy of love. I thought that it was what made me beautiful. Therefore I treated it as such. It was always well kept. Dressed nicely. Partnered with a painted on smile, it exuded confidence that got me whatever I thought I wanted. I used it for validation. I used it for attention. I even used it for money. I would "lay down" feeling in control because I felt like I was using it to get what I wanted, but I would get up feeling used & like they got what they wanted. As time progressed, I was still looking good & shining on the outside, while the inside was a dark mess & getting darker by the day. I measured love based on the way a man treated my body. Mentally & Emotionally things just got darker...and darker...and darker.
But God!!! He delivered me from that darkness. He delivered me from my way of thinking. There was a time when I thought that if I just shared my body with a man that loved God, that I could, through that, receive God's love. God showed me what true love really looked like by showing me HIS love. Not only did He forgive me for the decisions I made, but He delivered me from them. God, and only God, could bring me out of that because I was DEEP. He allowed me to experience a bond and true love with my dad, a man I adored, before he passed away. Had it not been for that experience, it would be much harder to welcome unconditional love from any other man.
Fast forward to the present. I have a wonderful life. I have 2 beautiful children whom I adore. When they look at me, they see superwoman. I have an amazing husband who loves me in a way that I prayed for but never really believed existed. He knows my past and still loves me unconditionally. He knows my struggles and still loves me through them. And we are currently building a life together that we can be proud of and that God will get all the glory. But here's the dark and ugly truth that still haunts me from time to time because of my past. Although God delivered me from all of those things, I still struggle to have relationships with men. It's hard to accept a compliment without questioning the intent. It's hard to have a genuine conversation with a man without worrying that I'm giving the wrong impression. I'm afraid to smile at a man because I'm afraid of what he may think or what people around may think. And the scariest part of it all..I have a daughter now. I pray and pray that she NEVER experiences the feelings that I did. Because of my experiences and choices, I'm now terrified of her being left alone with ANY man. For a long time I cringed at the idea of my husband changing her diaper. It took almost 2 years for me to be ok with my husband, her daddy, the man that loves her and I unconditionally, one of her favorite people in the world, to give her a bath without my supervision. All because of the choices that I made! Tears roll down my face as I type this and I'm mad about it! Sometimes I feel like I'm not being fair to her or him because I guard their relationship so closely...and it's not because of anything that they've done wrong. It makes me sad. It makes me frustrated. It makes me angry.
One thing that I've learned (thanks to my husband) is that Deliverance is a continual process. That's why the Bible says His mercies are new every morning. I've been delivered physically and spiritually. I'm being delivered mentally and emotionally and I know that I will be freed completely from this stronghold.