The public moments of our marriage shown over a period of months seemed like a short time, but the truth is this fairy-tale started three years ago. This process was no overnight success and love between us didn't work that way. This process wasn't a fast-food recipe; this was a crock pot, slow it down, take your time, watch it and let it marinate type of friendship that turned into a relationship and then a marriage.
When we first met, there was an attraction, but that would be the end of it at that time. She told me there were issues that she couldn't get over to see us moving forward. I have dealt with a lot of rejection in my life, so this wasn't anything to cry over, but my spirit did not like her answer at all. I am stubborn, but usually, when it comes to rejection from a female I revert to that teenage kid that heard a group of girls in the background say "Oh, you mean the one with the pimples? No girl he is ugly!" and bow out. But this was different, my spirit said you have to speak up, you give good love, and I know she does too, go and get her! So I called her to meet, and I spoke my mind, I told her she was wrong! It was bold however it was true. I can't lie even though nothing changed immediately that day it felt good. I spoke up for myself, and I wasn't worried about the result, it wasn't about her reaction it was about knowing what I can give and what I have to give is WORTH IT!
See we have to stop looking at some closed doors as missed opportunities and look at them as not being in alignment with what God has for us and when exactly He wants it for us! And sometimes we are not ready for that opportunity. And I wasn't; I was still battling a demon I had no idea existed in me. That demon was depression. All of the evidence was there, but I just thought it was just my quiet time, or I haven't been eating right, so that's why my energy was low. I had to start the process of healing before God would say "Ok son, it's time." And she needed to know in full what she was dealing with when dealing with me. And this process took three years. If you knew the promise that God had for you was three years away would you wait or would you look for something closer? There is a reason why God doesn't answer right away, when you ask, it's because even when you heard the answer, you wouldn't listen. You would try to do it your way and speed it up or go another route. Don't! Know that God is in control and sometimes the best thing you can do in that period is to continue doing good work and waiting on Him.
At one point during the three years, we sat precisely 42 inches from each other. 42 inches is the amount of space between two cubicles at the organization where we both worked. In her eyes, 42 inches wasn't a big deal, but it was a big deal to me. No, it wasn't torture, but everything she did I noticed. It started a good root for our friendship, we talked about work, about family, about business, websites, the church, we talked about everything. I noticed when she had a good day or a bad day, I saw when her nails were done, and in a new color, I noticed the number of heels under her desk, and yes Lord, I loved when she wore any of them! And at times my spirit would again nudge me and say "Why not?" , "Why not you?". 42 inches made us friends before we could ever be lovers. 42 inches made me think of her mind and not what is in between her legs. 42 inches at times sucked, but God was working, every day He was working. She had to rely on me as a friend to know she could count on me as a husband. She had to know that when she told me she was celibate, that would not deter me one bit. I saw God in her, and I prayed that she saw God in me. I needed time to show love in small ways so in the future I could show love in any way.
Because we all know what happens, the minute, you confess your love to someone that love is automatically tested.
Trust the Process
Some of you could sit 42 inches away from your promise, and because it had been three years you might not go another step, but I am here to tell you to take that step. I am here to tell you to believe in God, but most importantly believe in yourself. Faith in God, but underestimating yourself does not add up. The world is going to do that enough already so do yourself a favor to look up and never look down on yourself. You are made in His image and no one; NO ONE can take that away from you. If no one tells you that you are worth it today, I will, YOU ARE WORTH IT! If no one said to you what you could do I will, YOU CAN AND WILL GIVE GOOD LOVE, if no one told you that they believe in you, I BELIEVE IN YOU! No, you are not responsible for what they did to you, but you are responsible for how you respond.
I have rushed things in the past because I had to seal the deal on what I thought was the answer. Because I feel that I am not wanted by my mother I needed closure to know a relationship was real. I needed to know immediately that a woman wanted me and me only. I didn't trust God at all. I tried to make it work all on my own. The problem was that I did not vet that person correctly. Rule of thumb, "Two great people do not always belong together, someone can be good to you, but not for you." Patience can tell you if a person is who God wants for you. God made me wait; He made me sit 42 inches and wait. God made me work for it, even when I didn't know I was. He made me deal with some personal issues and confront some dark truths about myself and my history. I am a piece of clay that needed to be molded; I needed to get in my prayer closet and cry my pain out, shout to God, and ask for His help. There is still pain I have to work through, but I have God, and He sent me a life-long partner to walk with me as well.
The worst thing that can happen is for you to receive God's promise before you can! Be the steward you need to be to keep it. Trust His process not your earthly and misguided timeline. Your impatience in life shows your insecurity and your lack of dependency on God and what He wants. We are all watching other's being blessed instead of minding our blessings and tending to them. Never compare blessings! You have no idea what that person has been through, and they have no idea what God has to do for you. Depression has stolen a good bit of my life, but God has given them back and more.
Saints, in God's time and in His way. Keep working towards your promise, and I'll keep working to hold on to mine! It took three years and 42 inches for God to mold this clay enough to start this journey. Learn from me and don't make it that hard, but take the time He is giving to you. You deserve to be their first and only option; you deserve a Godly type of love. You deserve the person that can handle and is ready for all of your love. You deserve to believe and love yourself more.