When I first made the decision to NO LONGER HAVE SEX, a few friends encouraged me and stood by my side. Then there were some who laughed and mocked my decision. To be honest, there were even some who didn’t believe in me to actually do it. I knew that we lived in an oversexed world, where having sex in a relationship was the norm, it was pretty much a given. I knew why I made the decision to stop having sex until I was married and it was simply to HONOR God. People think because you fall off or make mistakes, you have to continue making them. No, if that was the case then what was the purpose of Jesus dying for our sins? He knew we would fall, so why can’t I make the decision to stop having sex until I’m married, because I’m not a virgin? I had to change my way of thinking in order to say “I’m done having sex until I’m married!” No, it was not an easy decision to make, IT WAS HARD! I have been sexually active since my senior year of high school and I had a child during my first year of college! I used my body and what I had materialistically to be in relationships, yes my self-esteem was that low. It was when I hit rock bottom about two years ago before I woke up, and my flesh started to slowly die, and I began to be convicted by God regarding this situation. It wasn’t solely just sex that I was being convicted about; it was me placing men before Him as well! I just got out of a ten year on and off again relationship, and I was so broken. Two months after that relationship ended I developed a platonic relationship with another man, at first! Two months into that friendship I hinted to him I wanted to have sex. He told me “No!” I was shocked. I have never been rejected before. He stated “He just wanted to be friends.” I agreed, but inside the rejection caused me to want him even more. One night we were together and we both couldn’t resist, and it happened!
Then it kept happening, over and over again, until someone caught some heavy feelings, and guess who that person was? You’re right, me! One night after we had sex, I asked him, “What are we doing? I don’t want to have a sex buddy. I want a relationship.” In my mind being in a relationship was the justification that I needed that it was okay to have sex outside of marriage. It’s not like I am sleeping around. I am just having sex with my boyfriend. After I stated that his reply was “I can’t give you what you need emotionally. I don’t want you having sex with anyone else, but I am not ready to be your man either.” I was crushed! How selfish of him, right? I felt so used, but in a sense I was using him too, so I had no one to blame, but myself. I still was not healed from my last relationship. He was just the filler I needed so the healing process could go by faster; I would have been distracted by another lustful relationship. I needed the distraction because it gave me a mask to wear to pretend to the world that I was happy, neglecting the pain and emptiness that I was experiencing within. After our slight argument about me wanting more out of him, the decision he made to still be friends who enjoyed having sex together was still the only offer on the table. I told him to leave. I immediately began to cry. I cried the entire next day because I knew the Word!