"We are adults, and this is natural, there is nothing wrong with this. Why are you making such a big deal, when you know you want it too?" I screamed at this guy, whom I was dating and desiring to sleep with. He and I both were on the fence about celibacy, but I was probably the more forceful and fiery one. I could get angry so easily and my emotional instability made me so frustrated with him. Yes I wanted to serve God, but not with my whole heart or life, but only with the portion I desired to give Him. I figured God could forgive my sins cause Jesus died for them, and all would be well. In my mind my anger issues had nothing to do with this, my insecurities had nothing do with this, my lukewarm relationship with God had nothing do with this. THIS was a part of being human and it was OKAY for it to happen. How wrong was I.....?
After this night, things only went from bad to worse in this relationship. His guilt overwhelmed him and caused me shame. We started to fight more and more and he became distant. I felt that he was a hypocrite, he felt that I was just a woman scorned. My attitude and choice of words with him became vulgar, and disrespectful. He decided we needed space. He changed his mind and tried to come back, then became distant again, and I finally broke.
The night before I got a break, I went to bed so tore up. I had no idea what I needed to do with my life. I could not understand how for two years I could not find my husband to be, and how once I thought I had a God-fearing church man, I still ended up in this horrible predicament of uncertainty and hurt, yet again. When I woke up the next morning I had a message and I'm not sure how valid it was but it made me think about who I was and what was wrong with me. I started to realize that the guys in my life had been just doing what they thought was okay, and I had allowed it because I thought it was okay too. I had to remember what I had been taught earlier that year about sex. Sex is designed for the enjoyment of MARRIED people, therefore when unmarried people are having sex, it is out of place and therefore OUT OF ORDER! There is NO ORDER in CHAOS! How could I walk around expecting these relationships to go perfect when I was engaging in activities that knocked them out of order? There are some things that sex causes us to feel that many of us won't acknowledge, but I pray you begin to see yourself as you read below.
Expectancy: When you give your body to a person you are expecting a return. Anytime people are denied a return, they get angry. All of your anger though is invalid because you had sex with a person who owes you nothing. ~Colossians 3:19
Insecurities: Many women and men have the idea that sex is a part of the package or seals the deal. IT DOES NOT! Just as sure as sex happens out of the confines of marriage, all parties are free to walk away. There is no covenant there. ~Hebrews 13:4
UnGodliness: How can you love Him if you won't obey Him? We can't get to God when we are in sin, all we can ask is for forgiveness after the fact, and that's if we live and get to do it. Sex creates a void in your relationship with God. ~John 14:15
A Human Hell: Sex will have you in hell in your heart and mind. You have released your temple to someone who has no intentions of being yours, and now the fact they are not acting as you would like, breaks your heart and drives you crazy. ~1 Corinthians 6:19
These are all evil entities that sex creates. Fear not though, there is freedom from all of this in the arms of Jesus. As I sat on my bathroom floor that morning and cried out to God, I wanted to be free. Free from sexual sin, free from my own life, and I wanted Him to have all of me. Have I struggled? Yes. Have I fell? No. God won't allow you to fall, and by grace He gives us new mercies each and every morning.
Don’t be afraid to change your life, it's worth it and the peace of mind that you will experience, makes the change worth the sacrifice! Therefore, do not be afraid that no man or woman will wait for you because our God is so much bigger. Don’t be afraid to CHOOSE!